This is from The New Yorker a few years back. It’s a piss-take on political correctness on campus.

“Something strange is happening at America’s colleges and universities. A movement is arising, undirected and driven largely by students, to scrub campuses clean of words, ideas, and subjects that might cause discomfort or give offense.” —the Atlantic.

PREAMBLE

We the People [not ALL the people] of the United States [U.S.-centric!] in Order to form a more perfect Union [singles’ therapy and anatomy-neutral gingerbread persons available to uncoupled undergrads] establish Justice [students unfairly punished for “wrong” answers on organic-chemistry exam should join the Tweet for A’s study group], insure domestic Tranquility [teaching assistants who are married but still exploring their socio-sexual identities advised to stop reading now], provide for the common defence [those who have ever felt intimidated by campus security, please gather in the cafeteria, Thursday at 2 p.m., for Stoning ‘n Donuts] promote the general Welfare [warning: could cause distress to anyone not happy all the time], and secure the Blessings [anti-atheistic] of Liberty [full disclosure: I’m going outside now to dumpster-dive for lunch and do community service—it’s a beautiful day, though I mustn’t forget that the fine weather is a serious indicator of global warming] to ourselves [the Committee of Apologies feels shame that the Founding Parents used such a possessive, exclusive, and egomaniacal pronoun] and . . . [The length of this Preamble, which consists entirely of one complex sentence, is discriminatory to those suffering from A.D.D., as well as other learning issues, so we are skipping ahead to Article I, Section 1; not that we’re implying that there’s anything wrong with a disorder, or even learning, as long as it is consensual.]

ARTICLE I, SECTION 1

All legislative Powers [the Task Force Against Privilege cannot condone Power unless everyone shares in it equally] herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and a House of Representatives [the Advisory Group on Pity and Off-Campus Living says that this is a micro-aggression against Representatives experiencing Homelessness or Houselessness—to prevent more trauma, we shall close our eyes until Section 3].

ARTICLE I, SECTION 3

The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, chosen by the Legislature thereof, for six Years; and each Senator shall have one Vote [anyone not counting-abled: please turn to turquoise page in the Color-Coded Constitution. You can pick up a copy in the Office of Students Against Facts].